I was asked to be in a wedding for a friend from college. The 5 bridesmaids (including 2 younger sisters) are throwing the Bridal Shower with some help from the couple's families. I work full time and pay all of my own bills and basically live paycheck to paycheck right now. I've already bought my dress, have to buy shoes, as well as participate in the pre-wedding spa day. The MOH and bride are starting to plan a weekend bachelorette party and the costs are getting way out of my range. My question is, do should I be honest with the bride and let her know I can't afford going (which may make her feel guilty) or do I just say I have other commitments on the dates she has suggested? She already knows I've been really tight when it comes to money lately, and doesn't seem to take it seriously.
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A weekend bachelorette is over the top. Be honest and tell them you can't afford it. To be honest, the bride deserves to feel guilty about this; she is asking too much. (Also she shouldn't be involved in planning her own party, it should be whatever the girls can afford).
p.s. You shouldn't be obliged to go to the pre-wedding spa day either, if it involves you paying. If it's a fun day, then it's optional. If it's party of wedding preparations, the bride pays.
Bridesmaid Bachelorette Party
Don't feel bad about this at all. It's way wrong for the bride and MOH to be planning a lavish bachelorette (and that's what a weekend one is) without talking to the other bridesmaids about costs. I'd be honest and polite, but not apologetic. It's a little entitled for them to assume people want to pay this much, and the 2 younger sibs are probably getting funded by Mom.
And opt out of the spa day as well. Anything the day of the wedding like hair, makeup, etc that the bride is suggesting or requiring should be paid for by the bride.
I've had 3 daughters get married and they've been in several friend's weddings. At one time 1 daughter was having money issues and didn't go to the bachelorette weekend. She was honest with the bride. She said something like, "Your wedding means a lot to me and I'm glad you asked me to be part of it, but I just can't participate in the weekend. Sorry." The bride was understanding and there were enough people going it didn't matter. At 1 daughter's wedding, one of the bridesmaids was in a similar situation and told my daughter upfront what she could afford (the dress and shoes) and what she couldn't (the weekend party). No one had any complaints. It's the way things are. Be honest.
I think you should tell the maid of honor and the bride that you cannot afford what they are planning for the bachelorette party, but that you understand they are treating the bride, and you wish them a wonderful time. You should not consider backing out of the wedding party unless the bride brings it up. Don't worry so much. Times are tough in a lot of sectors.
You might as well be honest about it. Let her know it's all you can do to afford the clothes, and making the spa day is even really hard. Say you just won't be able to afford the bachelorette party on top of the other expenses and tell her you hope she really enjoys the party and you are still looking forward to being in her wedding.
ALL of the costs SHOULD have been discussed with you regarding how much the Bachelorette Partys. It should have been discussed with ALL of the bridesmaids, specifically to AVOID situations like this.
If they did not discuss costs with you beforehand, then they have no one to blame but themselves if you can't make it.
Yes, be honest with them. Say "I wish you would have discussed this with me and the rest of the bridesmaids before deciding it was okay. I am sorry, but I truly can't afford it. Unless there is a change of plans to a less expensive place, I won't be able to make it". And then end the discussion. Do not let them sucker you into trying to pay for something you can't afford, do not let them bully you. If they start any of that, leave.
It's up to you. I would likely go with the truth. If the bride doesn't respect your financial limitations, then she's really not much of a friend. A white lie could make you look even worse. What if the bride feels that her bachelorette party is more important than whatever white lie you come up with? If she doesn't respect your budget, she's not likely to respect much else.
Is it too late for you to take your dress back? I think that you still do not know all the other expenses you will have like hair nails etc. Would you consider just apologizing profusely that you were so so ignorant of the expense but that you wont be able to be a bridesmaid? If she does not respect that, you dont need her. You can still enjoy her wedding as a friend. Believe me, you have still no idea of the total. Just be honest with her. If you say you have previous commitment she will think she is less important than whatever else you would do. So many messages are on this site about the same issue. No one can afford it.
My daughter had a night planned for her pre wedding celebrations and like you the cost of a weekend was a problem for a couple of friends. they sat down and talked it through and came to a solution where the weekend finished with a fantastic day at the local with the girls who didn't go organising a disco (a friend) and decorating with balloons and banners it was great.
So my advice is to talk things through.........