dont quite know what happened.

or what went wrong.

And yet I do. Because it was my own damn fault.

Flashback

Seventh grade: Me: Hated by almost everyone in school, Two friends...starting to get to know one kid. Two friends on an island fourty five minutes away from me,I have a house there too. One friend-a girl-had been my friend since I was four.

Half way through the year: My closest friend pulls a prank by getting into my yahoo and sending her a message saying I love her. I fix it and patch things up because I didnt love her.She was just a great friend.

8th grade summer: All 8th grade I had thought about how I had patched it up. What if I hadnt? What if she liked me? What if ...? And so on. I realized then that I had secretly liked her since atleast seventh grade-at some conscious level. I had felt angry and happy when I found those emails my friend had sent.

And by midyear I knew I loved her. But I was too afraid to tell her not wanting to ruin a friendship. That summer came and went and I avoided her-Worried that somehow she may find out and that would ruin a friendship.

9th grade:last time i talked to her was in febuary.

Over the last summer I didnt see her although I tried.

And I was stressed over it all summer.

10 grade *start* : I cant get ahold of her,I called earlier her mom said she wasnt home. It was 8:23...was that a lie? I have one ace and thats my other friend on the island having the same language class as her and hes going to give her my new phone number.

Im so stressed. I fu***d up a friendship whilst trying to save it and I dont know what to do

ALSO.

I was looking at her old deviantart account. And I saw a blog. Apparently she was indirectly the reson a family member died and she thought of "hurting herself" and something i did or said snapped her out of it (two years ago)

Also if it means anything there were alot of jokes on that DA account to us making out even if we didnt.which we didnt.

is she mad at me... did she tell her mom to avoid me? IDK... but i miss her.

And in my mind I see the strings that control the future. Everyone every possible negative or positive reaction.I see myself happy with her,reluctantly leaving her,Deppressed,angry and all under multiple ways.

I just have to get through this. I have to beat my fears I have to be with her as a friend or more. If not then I dont know what I'll do.Please dont asume that means suicide or self inflicted pain-im too smart for that...I would never even consider it.

...The time that I pretented to slit my wrists with a pencil in class and I actually did accidently doesnt count.

I dont get it and it was hard enough to deal with but now with my cousin with brain cancer,family and financial issues it sucks ***.

We used to be best friends-everyone from family to counselors at camp thought we were boyfriend/girlfriend. We have the same interests,warped sense of humour etc...

just need advice...