Sorry in advance for the length :P
My parents got divorced when I was two, and from then on my mom and my grandparents would tell me about how my dad and his family were bad people. Now I'm 16, and I've been wondering why I've been told all this and what they did that was so bad. Mostly my mom hates my paternal uncle. She told me that he basically tried to molest me and my brother. We asked my father about it, and he said nothing ever happened. Just yesterday, at his house, he showed us the legal papers from the divorce (interviews from our mothers side and fathers side, even from my brother and I, and observations of our behavior). Apparently, we admitted to being touched to therapists but acted normal around the said molesters. In one interview, they asked my brother if he remembered being touched, and he said "only my mom remembers". The legal papers assumed my mom had been telling us how bad they were, and we lied about being touched for my mom's sake (it makes sense-- she hated his family and would do anything to prove they were bad people). The recommendations in the paper even said my dad was the better parent for legal custody because my mom seemed delusional. (We live with her now, though. She's had legal custody of us the entire time.) However, after hearing my mom's side for so long, it's hard to suddenly hear both sides and not know who is right. When we asked her about it, she got mad and defensive and kept telling us to choose a parent. She even got out a paper telling us to write what we thought the truth was. I wrote that I will never know the truth-- only she and my dad will know. My brother wrote something like I hereby state that I was molested by my paternal uncle because, even though I don't remember, my mom said so. My mom got so mad she sped to my father's house and threw us out and said we were living with him. Now, one day later, she's taken us back in on the condition that we no longer bring my father up. And she's been ignoring us almost all day and purposely doing things we don't like to make us upset.
Now I know she probably still has emotional attachment to the subject and we opened a sore wound, but was she or wasn't she completely immature in telling me and my brother to "pick a parent"? And get mad at us because we couldn't? Was she being unreasonable? And why? What do I do?
I hate living with my mom and I do in fact believe she's crazy. I don't want to live with her because I'm legitimately scared for my health-- I'm already going to therapy for my low self esteem and lack of self-importance (which seems related to her behavior). The only reason I'm staying is for school, but I'm not sure if that's a good enough reason. School starts in a week-- should I live with my dad and go to school there? Or stay for the sake of school and my mother? Who IS right?
Sorry for the length.. And please help, I will appreciate every single answer.
Answers & Comments
Verified answer
Personally, from the sound of your post, I think your uncle didn't molest you. And if he had, what did that have to do with your dad? If she had been telling the truth she wouldn't be getting defensive about the issue, she would be patiently trying to explain what happened and that she felt a need to protect you. She's been caught in a lie, cornered and doesn't know which way to turn to get out of it.
She is wrong in telling you to pick a parent, wrong at accusing your uncle for molesting you, wrong in throwing you at your dad, then at her own will being able to take you back, wrong at punishing you and your brother for telling the truth as you see it, wrong for using you and your brother for her own selfish gain, wrong for withholding affection and love because she can't be in control of what you believe to be the truth. She is one of those mothers who makes it look bad for mothers of children who really are mistreated by their fathers and can't get protection if their lives depended on it, because the courts don't believe them.
It would be nice if you and your brother could go live with your dad
I'll tell you what your mother is wrong about.
She wants YOU to pick a side in HER battle.
The one called: mom versus dad.
If your mother had a problem with your father and could not stay married to him, that is HER problem.
She has no business to make you have a side in it.
Your father said it never happened.
That is something that he can not do, because he wasn't there when nothing happened.
You can't prove nothing.
Your mother had some selfish reasons for saying this.
If neither of you can remember it, then maybe it did not happen.
If somebody did something bad to you, it would probably be in your memory for a long time.
I would just drop the subject.
If you dad is more stable, then it might be a better place to live.
These situations are always sticky amongst family...it's always he said, she said rah rah rah.
Sometimes we just have to go with our gut feeling and find our own ways in these situations. It's not up to you to figure our who is right or wrong because believe me it won't make a difference to either parent because of all the nastiness that is already between them AND your not the parent so it's not your job to solve it!
You do need to tell your mother to stop acting immature about saying "pick a parent". If she continues find some where to stay for a while somewhere mutual and not intimadating and so there's no fiction. Try and make some sense of it to SUIT you...GOODLUCK
Aw this troubles me. Girlie, I don't know your parents, you, or your situation. Reading your question it really feels as if you truly believe your dad and it's hard not to seeing as he has legal papers. To be honest, from what you wrote it feels like he is right. It's up to you, but if you truly feel it would be better for you to live with your dad, you should. Your mother might cause a little trouble for it, but it seems like it's healthier for you.
Best wishes, and I hope everything works out <3
No. it rather is not unfair.You had the money and you desperate to spend it on something else. it rather is not significant in case you spent it on stuff for college, you spent it. i'd've enjoyed a clean vehicle this 365 days, yet rather I had to pay for roofing. Did i prefer to pay for roofing? No, i'd've enjoyed to place a down cost on a vehicle, yet I had to spend it on something i individually choose. Do you think of my mom, husband, etc. is going to purchase me a clean vehicle by using fact I spent the money on something else? No. LOL you think of you're adverse? You get an allowance. you have a working laptop or computing gadget. you're dissatisfied that your mom did not purchase you a digital camera. the internet invoice gets paid. you at the instant are not adverse darling.
It seems like your mom is hurt n depressed ,parents dont know what their saying when their upset
they just take it out on their kids ..my mom used to be very sad n depressed before n she used to take it all out on us ..
i think your mother needs you ..just stay with her for a while n se how it goes ..