Okay so I have depression, anxiety and paranoia, I started self harming when i was 13 following the death of my closest parent. This continued till I was about 16, I'm now 18 and it has started again. My boyfriend is worried about me, but he understands I cannot talk to my mum because she doesn't listen to me. I haven't spoken to my friends because they already judge me. I tried to speak to them about being less judgemental but it turned into an argument. I have no one to talk to about my depression I only know of it because a psychiatrist that i know told me, and then i stopped speaking to her, as i was scared she may judge me. I don't want to self harm, and i don't want to lose my friends or my boyfriend. I have been with him over a year and he is worried, he loves me and makes me happy, i prefer to spend time with him over my friends and wish they understood why. We both go to University and spend time together at the weekends without him i get lonely, so i hardly see my friends. They are interested in things that i'm not though such as clubbing and shopping and just socialising really. I feel like i have no energy to do these things and don't want to do these things as i'm never up for it. I don't want to blow them off, but if i know i can be something better with my time i'd rather do that. I'm so confused, I have only my boyfriend to speak to, i wish my mum and my friends would understand. I don't know what to do...
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Wow, super delicate question here. Self-harming is obviously really serious and it's terrible that you have no support other than your BF but I really think you need to talk to a doctor or a councilor. Continuing like this is a terrible gamble, this stuff can lead to more serious things like suicide and there is no coming back from that so it's time to get help now. What you really need to understand is that a psychiatrist is not there to judge and not there to place blame on anyone, they are there to help you identify your problems and work through them or get past them so you can be happier and healthier. I know it's hard to get through depression and the bad feelings (speaking from experience, I was on meds for a long time) but if you don't get help it will get worse and it won't go away. See if you BF will take you to see someone or tell your doctor and they can get you in contact with the right people. Don't try and do this alone, there are people who care.
Good Luck
if you're boyfriend understands you,why not talk to him a bit more about it? and if you're afraid the psychiatrist might judge you too,why not take him with you to keep you strong? i'm pretty sure the doc won't judge you, that's like the number 1 thing they're not supposed to do! so don't be afraid,and you love him,why not listen to him and stop the self harming? no matter what we do,we're always going to be weird or a freak to society because they only see the negative side of us,they never stop judging,so screw them! :D i'm sure you don't get up in the morning to impress them! you live to make yourself happy,no one else! and these friends of yours are kind of mean, aren't they? i mean,if they really cared about you,they would try to help you instead of judging you! try make new friends,some people who share your own interests. idiots are not worth your blood or tears :)
My advice would be to talk to a professional. I know you said the fear of judgment detered you previously, but they are PROFESSIONALS, trained to help you work through your issues. Not to say they won't judge you- they are only human. But screw their judgment! All that matters is that you get help. As far as your friends go, I think you should find new ones. What good are they if you don't share common interests and they can't be supportive? Your mom may not be supportive but remember... She lost someone too. Maybe you can work through things and you can help her someday. Sounds like you have a good man who wants to be there for you, and I hope that can be just enough support for you until you get better. GO GET SOME HELP FOR YOURSELF! Good luck :)
i have a friend very similar to you but instead of venting to her bf she vents to me and all i can say is get new friends if they were really your friends theyd help you and not judge you and your mum i dont know about that except maybe sit her down and have a a serious chat