Hi all. I'll try to keep this as short as possible.I'm 26 years old and I suffer from severe clinical depression with cormorbid general anxiety disorder. Over the last 7 years my life has been completely derailed by mental illness. At the age of 21 I attempted suicide after dropping out of school and although I haven't made any attempts since the thought of suicide is always with me and I fear it is my fate. The longest I've ever been employed was 9 months. Aside from that I have virtually no employment history. I became a full time student again 2 years ago and despite being a straight A student I've come to the realization that my academic success is meaningless if I cannot function.
As of right now I cringe at the idea of leaving my house, talking on the phone or interacting with others at school. My affect is always flat, I haven't been genuinely happy about anything in years, nothing excites me or interests me, I have perhaps a single friend, and I'm preoccupied with thoughts of guilt due to the fact that my mom and dad(who are in their late 50's and early 60's respectively) are in debt(largely because of me, my failed college endeavors and my inability to contribute financially) and struggling to support my family. I'm no longer able to see my psychiatrist because I was taken off insurance when I turned 26 and cannot afford the absurd cost of appointments and the medications that I'm skeptical made any difference anyway
So to sum it up, i'm very sick, i struggle to find the will to get up in the morning, my family is barely able to stay afloat financially - a situation that overwhelms me with incredible guilt, I can no longer afford medication because I'm uninsured and I don't feel that I am in any condition to have a conventional job(not that I could get hired with my lack of experience at the age of 26 anyway).
I don't know what to do and I desperately need some direction. I think of suicide on a daily basis because I so desperately want to take the financial burden off my family and I honestly have very little will to live at this point. One of the only reasons I refrain from trying to take my life again is because I don't want my family to go through that experience. I know they'd rather live in poverty than live in a world without me.
Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can get help or how I can help support my family given my circumstances? Thank you in advance.
Update:Any advice is very much appreciated but please nothing of a proselytizing nature. I don't appreciate the fact that anyone would try to take advantage of my weakened/vulnerable state to try to draw me into their belief system. You should be ashamed.
Answers & Comments
Verified answer
Look, im going to be honest with you. Whether you want to hear it or not...
The answer to your problems is Jesus Christ. If you accept Him as your savior and turn over your life to Him, he will help you. He wants to help you, if you would only just come to Him, and accept Him.
Jesus truly loves you, and He is the only way.
He is the way, the truth and the life. He came that you might have life and have it more abundantly.
The enemy which is Satan, came to kill, steal and destroy.
Choose you this day, whom you will serve.
As for me and my house, we serve the Lord Jesus Christ.
Everything that i have and that i am, i owe to God almighty, Jesus Christ.
Were it not for Him, I would not be here.
Because of Him, I am successful, independent, happy, I excel at everything that i do, and it is all because Jesus has helped me, he has made me who i am today. I turn to Him when my life is grey, when i have troubles i pray to Him an turn it all over to Him. He is the only one i can turn to, and He hears me.
I love him so much and owe everything to him, but he is so kind and merciful, caring and loving. He accepts me for who I am and all my flaws, and still loves & helps me.
I would suggest start with Christian television programming, try to find a Christian TV channel. Listen to Christian music if you can't find a radio station, download some from amazon, look up "Contemporary Christian Music". These things will start to change the atmosphere around you, and may help you learn more about Christ.
Next, try to find a local church and attend as much as possible.
I pray you hear and listen to what i have said, because it is the truth.
Jesus is so willing and able to accept you, if you would only turn to him.
May God help you.
Amen.
There is no easy solution to depression. Are you depressed because of your situation or are you depressed because of your families situation.
You don't need to see a psychiatrist to get help - especially if you said you're skeptical they worked. There are many support forums / blogs on the internet for clinically depressed people. I have a friend that frequents them - I think they just keep people in a cycle of depression always talking about depression.
Her depression is caused from her family situation and has been prescribed both anxiety pills and anti-depression medication - both with their side effects. No one says you have to do anything. She can't work because of her depression - the same as you can't get out of bed in the morning, no motivation to clean the house etc.
She ended up getting a female puppy and spends her time now (between crying spells when she interracts with her family) caring for her dog. It's the best thing she has done - better than years of talking to a psychiatrist or on medication. Instead of thinking about looking after herself she now thinks of looking after her dog (taking it out, feeding it - she even goes the whole distance and dresses it in dog clothes) It has given her something to look forward to every day.
If you don't feel like you want to do anything for yourself or have nothing to live for then maybe get a pet - or a pet rock (minimum care ;) ) fish or cactus or something low maintenance. They don't have to cost the earth and if you're extra amazing you can get them from your local pound. Anyway it's not for everyone but it certainly changed my friends life - now she can cry while holding her dog, but really it gave her something to take her mind of all the other problems in her daily life.
Good Luck