I guess I am finally ready to confess. Three years ago I watched my father suffer from a heart attack which inevitability led to his death. While he was dying all I kept thinking was please just die and get out of my life forever… I can admit that I have and always will hate my father. He caused so much pain in my life and well to be blunt was a very horrible person. I thought I put that part of my life behind me, but lately I cant stop thinking about that experience. It haunts my dreams, Im judged by the rest of my family for taking his death so well, and I cant stop thinking about ‘those eyes’, watching him look right through me with so much fear while he was staring at what only he could see right before his passing…. Is there something wrong with me? Am I as horrible as him for praying that he would not pull through? Am I so mentally sick that I actually got satisfaction from his death? I cant stop beating myself up for this…
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I don't think you're horrible for praying he wouldn't make it. I felt the same way with my step dad. Overall don't beat yourself over it, it's said and done.
You are not mental, whatever he did to you must have been horrible. Go to someone close and talk it out. Just say you need to spill, just pour your heart out, relieve yourself of the pain because chances are you are just so emotionally attached to what happened in the past you can't stop thinking about it, but personally, I think you didn't enjoy it, it's your subconscious saying you are when in reality you are pushing your sadness away and bringing your anger for your dad in.
If you did that with a loving parent or grandparent, I would say that you're a sociopath, but if he was as horrible as you say, then you acted/reacted normally. We all have an innate desire to save every life we can. In other words, we care if people live or die, even if they are strangers. So when faced with that situation with someone you know is an awful person, you feel guilt for rejecting your inner desire to preserve all life. I felt sorry for Saddam when I saw him being hanged and felt satisfied too. I felt guilty abt waiting to see him drop, but I knew he had to and I took pleasure in it. I know that's not the same, but when my azzhole father died, I felt nothing, too. I wasnt there to see it, but I hoped he felt alone and scared. I felt that's what he deserved......a sad, miserable death. What I regret is not letting him have it while he was alive. I was 42 when he died and had two sons that he never met. I hadn't spoken to him in twenty years, but he never reached out to me, asked to meet his grandkids or anything. Don't beat yourself up over it, consider getting too watch him die payback for all of his abuse.
You need to talk to a mental health counselor. You neex to work out all your issues that you had with your father. Good luck.
What did he do to you? It must be something horrible for you to feel that way.
Depends what he did to you that was so horrible
i agree with Andrea...