After 8 years in a very abusive marriage I finally left my soon to be ex-husband a few months ago. My 2 children (7 & 4) witnessed allot of the verbal and physical abuse but thankfully never the sexual one. They're very hurt by my decision to divorce their father and are begging me to move back in with him so that we can be a "normal" family again. What I have told them is that mommy can't deal with their daddy's behavior anymore but since they're too young I can't tell then the real reasons. So they are always asking me if I would go back if their father apologized and never be mean again... How can I get them to understand that it will never happen, without hurting them more? Right now they think its my fault and every time they see their father he's telling them that it's not him who wants to get divorced but me...
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The answer I'm going to give you to your question is based on my experience as a Human Relations and Personal Growth Consultant/Counselor working with married couples, and although some professionals or clergy may disagree, it's an answer I feel very strongly about. "Never stay in an unhappy relationship for the sake of your children. Your personal unhappiness will have a much more damaging effect on your children than your divorce ever could."
Children want to see their parents happy. They feel responsible for making their parents happy, and believe me, they know you aren't. If you stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of your children, I believe you will be causing them more emotional harm than you divorced. They will feel responsible for your sacrifice, and this puts tremendous pressure on a child. "I stayed for your sake" is no favor.
I have worked with grown-up "children." These children whose parents divorced and found love and happiness, either alone or with new partners, grow up feeling good about themselves and their parents. They have a healthy attitude toward love and relationships because they had positive role models for loving themselves and making love work.
In contrast, some of the most unhappy people I have worked with are grown-ups whose parents stayed together in passionless, dead relationships, colored with suppressed anger and resentment.
Of course if you ask your young children how they would feel if Mom and Dad split up, they will tell you to stay together. It won't be until they have their own relationships as adults that they will look upon yours with new eyes, suddenly realize how unhappy you truly were, and feel grief for all you gave up.
Your job as a parent is to know what's best for your children, whether or not your children agrees with your decision. Yes, your children will cry when you tell them you are getting divorced. But as they grow older and learn to see you as people, and not just parents, they will develop compassion for your situation and understanding about your decision. They will realize that you were not just doing it for your own good, but for theirs as well.
You owe it to your children to work very hard on your marriage, and do everything you can to make it work. But if you come to the point where you realize that the marriage cannot work, then you owe it to your children to separate from their father, and free yourself to find the love you deserve, and the relationship they can one day look up to.
ravishingV
Tell them that as a 2 people their mommy and daddy didn't get along. But as two separate people, they are much better people. Let your children know it wasn't anyone's fault about the divorce and that no mater you and their father will always love them. And make sure to watch out for ANY signs that your children are being mentally or physically abused. And if he continues to tell your children negative things (I wasn't the one who wanted to get divorced) tell the courts or suggest you all go to a family counselor about the impact of parent relationships towards children. And always remember that no matter what happens getting out of ANY abusive relationship is ALWAYS the right thing to do. Stay strong. You are a inspiration!
Tell your children the truth or if your children really want to stay with you go to he court and make an appeal for divorce and taking your chidren with you. While writing your answer I got tears in my eyes. It really very hard for a child to leave their father or mother. And on the other hand they are going to be deprived of their father love. Try another thing go for an understanding with your husband. Whats the result mail me to [email protected]
Difficult one this but you just have to be there for them, one day they will understand, just tell them that their daddy did some very bad things to that you can't tell them, get upset in front of them if you have to. Kids are stronger than we give credit for. good luck.
Ps i hope the bast&rd gets whats coming to him, he sounds like a real coward.
Wait until they get older to fully explian things. By then hopefully they'll see him in a different light.
Just tell the truth it works allot better and then see how they feel.