Which sentence "SOUNDS BETTER"....? SENTENCE 1 or 2...?
I am deciding on whether sentence 1 or 2 sounds better. I am including either sentence 1 or 2 in a law personal statement. Thanks.
***SENTENCE 1
"During my first BSC (Honours) degree in Computer Science and Business Administration, I developed a strong foundation in business management skills."
***SENTENCE 2
"During my first BSC (Honours) degree in Computer Science and Business Administration, I developed a strong foundation in business management skills applicable to commercial organizations."
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I'd go with sentence 1. How your skills apply to any specific situation can and should be explained in your interview. You will get a chance to expand on your education/abilities at that time. By the way, what are commercial organizations? For-profit rather than non-profit? "Commercial organizations" sounds cold to me. Most people think of where they work as the company or firm. Go with sentence 1 - short and sweet.
Neither sounds good. When you use the word "during", you need to follow that up with something that represents a span of time. Yours doesn't.
Try: "While working towards my first BSC (Honours) degree in Computer Science and Business Administration, I developed a strong foundation in business management skills applicable to commercial organizations.